You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
