Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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