One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
