I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
