I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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