I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry my hands just texted you
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
