i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
