Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
