Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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