sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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