When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
