No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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