So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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