Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
