All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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