She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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