I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
