Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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