perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
