just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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