Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
