I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Never joke about your clitoris.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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