I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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