I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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