two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
