don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
