1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
