i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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