He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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