you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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