Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
