I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize