it hurts more in the daytime
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
