Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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