i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
