definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
