I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
