she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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