You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
