If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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