im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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