i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
bring money and cleavage
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize