Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
