Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
