I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize