The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
