Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
