you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
