I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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