apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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