Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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