I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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