I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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