Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
