meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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