Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
