we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
