i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Semen is not good for contacts.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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