Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
